2.16: The party starts

The next day, Alcock and a small team of colleagues (Masongill and pTravis with Lottie tagging along) arrive by appointment at the Swan Hotel to find the regulars all in attendance. Alcock had considered suggesting 11pm or, for that matter 3am, for the denouement, as the suave sleuth Paul Temple conducts his business at all times of the day or night and no one bats an eyelid, but he had accepted the Barman’s suggestion of 6pm.

Having been coached by Lottie, Alcock knows how things should go. He must start by accusing lots of innocent people, presumably to put them all in a jovial mood. He looks down at his list of points and questions.

“Barman, I put it to you that you are really Herbert!”

The Barman looks confused, exclaims “Neh!” in some surprise and lapses into silence, perhaps revisiting happier times in India. Alcock isn’t quite sure what to do with this lingering silence - old people are so unpredictable! - and so after an embarrassed pause moves on to the next ‘mark’ on his list: Popty Ping.

“Notwithstanding my having just accused the Barman, for no very clear reason, I think that you, P.P., are really Herbert!”

(Alcock is obviously trying to sound a little like the smooth, posh Paul Temple.) 

Popty Ping looks irritated and sets fire to Alcock’s list with a single well-directed blast of fiery breath. Dropping the paper hurriedly before his flippers are burnt, Alcock decides to press on with his real question.

“Bill, you must be Herbert. You work at the newspaper and, unlike everyone other than the Barman and our spy in the kitchen, the Minkey, you speak English, like the letters.”

Shaking his head sadly, Bill replies:

“No I didn’t write the letters. But I did translate them. From ‘Ver Kwin’s Orn Indlish’ which I understand because I live here. But when I realised where they were leading, I got worried about the Barman and the pub and left the Minkey a clue.”

Ah, thinks Alcock, now there is a strange logic to the whole business, but of what kind?